Having never attended a music festival before, I had high expectations based on social media and the transcendent secondhand feedback of friends of friends. If Gov Ball is representative of the music festival experience, we have as a society lost the plot on a good time and handed the reins to people for whom beige is a primary color.
1. The unofficial female uniform of Gov Ball is a flowy tank, cheek-showing hot pants, and cowboy boots. Frye boots are also acceptable.
Breaking up the monotony: a head scarf here, a fringed maxi skirt there. Think Fleetwood Mac without the cocaine, drama, or passion that made them interesting. With perfectly curated outfits there was of course no obvious public drunkenness, no fights, no heat exhaustion fallouts, no vomiting. Just orderly lines for matcha, roller skating with Verizon, and endless influencer posing and posting. Influencing people, apparently, to be their most boring selves.
2. The official drug of choice: mango flavored nicotine vape juice. Snuck in via the heel of said cowboy boots.
Not weed. Not anything mind altering. Candy flavored vapes, which let me know we have lost the plot on what it means to fight for our right to party. Are we saying the ultimate good time is giving yourself popcorn lung in the least performative way possible? NY festival goers are not okay. Gloria Steinem says depression is just anger turned inward. I’m not diagnosing anyone. But it’s clear therapy is needed.
3. Long Island in the house.
So many Long Islanders taking the train in for a day of fun. The LIRR makes the commute easy. But where did the New Yorkers go this weekend? I don’t believe they were anywhere near there. Even I live in NJ now so I can’t count toward the numbers. Katseye was a huge draw for this suburban day of fun and one of the reasons for the volume of kids. All of which ended up in the VIP section, where bored parents spread out in every available seat with bags and gear to ensure the kids were comfortable, with changes of clothes, snacks, pizza and chicken nuggets everywhere. And $6 waters. I have never felt so cheated. So very unimportant and cheated out of my money.
4. So when are the aliens coming?
This ho-hum festival has me wanting more. Based on TikTok and the mask man on Fox News they feel overdue. Last week the government launched aliens.gov, a website styled with UFO imagery and a teaser video captioned “They walk among us,” which turned out to be an ICE tip line. I am tired of politics. I need ridiculousness not tied to war or attacks on human rights. Something chaotic but also a bop. A song for the summer paired with chaotic performance art. Where is Ja? Take back Gov Ball. Bring back Fyre Fest.
5. Also, did we know that Lorde had more than 1 song?
…from the parking lot at Citifield.
What it sounds like if rocking out with kids is an intentional vibe: